so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
