seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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