I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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