and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
