i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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