yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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