The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
