i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Who died my cat blue again?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
