I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
