he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
