so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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