it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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