I accidentally had phone sex last night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
