you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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