the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
