i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
