Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
