You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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