ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
