I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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