my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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