Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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