I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
