I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
