I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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