my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
