i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
