ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize