My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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