My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
