So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
