there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
