What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
