apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
