Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Rumble strips road head = magical
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
