i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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