Only a mothe r could love this liver
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
