rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
