Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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