my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
