were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize