ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
