I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
this hospital has no fireball
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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