even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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