Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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