I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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