I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
