I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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