Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
