im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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