if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
