id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
