I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
