Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
