in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
