Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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