Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
