I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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