dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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