there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize