At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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