Sponge bath it is.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
