when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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