my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
