I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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