Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
