how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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