I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize