god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
