Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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